Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Distress Message From Ken

Some of the submarines I served on had a system that required a watch-stander to push a button every so often or it would deploy an emergency message buoy. In the event of a catastrophic accident incapacitating the crew, the buoy would release after the preset time had passed and send a distress message. It occurred to me that a similar approach could be had with a blog.

I have become incapacitated in some manner and have left a few words to be released in my absence. Consider it my last will and testament. I imagine receiving this post could be emotionally disturbing to some. Read no further. You have been warned.

If I am, perchance, being kept alive my an infernal machine, please pull the plug. Do it now. I thank and forgive you.

I arrived on this planet with faulty wiring. I did not relate well with others. I had trouble remembering things. I was emotionally detached. Despite all this, I was able to behave at a functional level. Holding down a job, marrying, having children. I imagine it appeared pretty normal to most. Most of the time it was a blur. I'm sure it involved chemicals in the brain.

There were a few brief flashes of extreme happiness. I felt best when creating something, be it a drawing, a computer program, an essay, or witnessing the birth of my children. Sometimes I amazed myself, but not as often as I hoped. I'm sure it involved chemicals in the brain.

I also had a bizarre enjoyment of doing extreme physical things up to my 40's. The experience of finishing a 10K race having pushed yourself to the maximum is hard to describe or explain.
For those who know, no explanation is necessary. For those who do not know, no explanation is possible.

Again, I'm sure it involved chemicals in the brain. My most punishing physical experiences include:
  • Getting caught by a freak hail storm in the Wyoming mountains with Mike and Grant while trying to retrace the Oregon Trail by mountain bike.
  • Walking the Newport Marathon in under six hours. Don't laugh. Try it.
  • My first Tour de Blast bike ride. At the end I was barely able to keep the bike upright.
  • Climbing Mt. Baker with Neil. At the end I was barely able to keep my body upright.
  • Riding to the top of Mary's Peak on a bike (several instances of varying circumstances).
I was an expert at nothing. What I did posses was a willingness to tackle something and wrestle it in to submission. I solved a lot of things with just brute force. Some things I wore down, some things I broke, but nothing came easy. Working on a problem brought frustration. Solving a problem brought enjoyment. One must have outweighed the other. I'm sure it involved chemicals in the brain.

Humans are destructive creatures by nature. Look at what we did to the earth, to the animals, to the natives, to our own bodies. Look at what I did to my self. I think religion was invented to help curb those tendencies. Sometimes it helped. Mostly it didn't. I think my faulty wiring prevented me from deriving much benefit from it. I'm sure in involved chemicals in the brain.

I deserved to end up living in a cave as a crazy, lonely hermit. Thanks to my parents, my wife, and my children for abiding with me for a spell.

Crazy life. Not sure I would do it again given the opportunity. Not without better wiring.

Ken

Last edited Jan 2013.

Saturday, January 7, 2017